Some things are better left unsaid

Saturday, May 7, 2011

A few days ago, Jon was met with two kids on the couch fighting to be the Emperor of TV Remote Kingdom when he came home from work.

They were jumping on the couch while one was trying to grab it from the other as arms were raised to keep it away. Meanwhile all sorts of buttons on the remote were being pressed, not to mention Jon's after he repeatedly told them to stop.

Hearing the disruption and ready to put an end to it, he walked into the living room to take control. Just as he stood in front of the kids to snatch the remote, he saw the TV screen go to black after the "OK" button had been pressed to accept movie charges.

"Hey!!" he said, and held out his hand for the remote. Then he looked toward the TV and the screen went on pause and then from black right into a movie. There was no intro, no music, no "What's new on demand" features, just straight into the first scene.

In an instant Jon flung himself toward the TV, as if he were saving someone from a barrage of bullets from the war enemy, like in WWII movies. With a wide stance and his back to the kids, he wrapped himself around the TV and quickly shut it off. He turned around to the kids and said, "I have to go talk to your mother about this!!"

He bounded down the stairs and came to where I was working and pointed up to the ceiling saying, "The 5 year-old. The 5 year-old just ordered a movie. I want you to know that it wasn't me. When the bill comes and you see an ADULT FILM on there, it was not, I repeat, NOT me. Just wanted you to know." We both cracked up.

We were supposed to be on our way to get some Chinese take-out but I told Jon I needed to call Comcast first to have the movie removed. He said to do that on the way but I couldn't get through since his dumb phone is well, so dumb. Its touch screen won't allow you to press any numbers when prompted to do so by an automated voice. I don't know why those automated services can't accept both dial and voice commands.

"21st century, my foot!" I yelled at the phone.

So I had to wait until we returned. "Great!" I complained. "It'll be noted in the system that it was ordered a half an hour ago so they'll wonder why it took so long to cancel."

"Boom chicka woww wowww..." said Jon.

I finally was able to call and explained to customer service that my 5 and 9 year old, in their struggle for TV remote power, ordered a dirty movie. She laughed and asked if I remembered the name of the movie.

"Uh, no, (insert nervous laughter because of a total lie. I'm a firm believer that some things are just better left unsaid...) I don't, but it'll be the only adult film on our bill. Ever."

So last night, as we were discussing this series of events over sushi, Jon was recounting what had happened and I was laughing. I said, "Well, at least the kids didn't see anything."

"Not much" he said.

"What do you mean not much??!"

"Well it went right into the movie without any warning."

"You mean, (with my arms making music gestures) no da da daa daaa...Time Warner television presents, no lion roar or anything?"


I just stared blankly at Jon and said, "You mean??..."


"What did you say?" I asked.

"I just told them we weren't going to watch wrestling." and just then he dropped a large piece of sushi from his chopsticks right into the soy sauce dish causing a big splash on the table.

And we lost it after that.


  1. Yay, Dad saved the day, protecting his home from being invaded by that icky movie. He handled the whole thing very well !

    I sure wish we could get all those PPV channels disabled on our dish and also "a la carte" order the channels we enjoy. There are so many we never watch !

  2. Oh my heck! That is hilarious!
    It shouldn't be so easy for the the Remote Control Kingdom to order a movie.
    There should be passwords or something.

    Well maybe it gave an opportunity for you to have a frank discussion with the movie ordererer offenderererssss.

    I am sure the cable TV people have heard everything.

  3. Just cut to the chase, eh...or...the wrestling! Golly! It's good Dad was there!
    Will there be some new rules regarding the remote from now on? :)

  4. Sooooooo funny! Good save Jon.


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