So I haven't been here in a while. I haven't been anywhere in a while, really. All I do is work it seems. Well that's not true. I was in Utah and Idaho last weekend to take my daughter out to college. Charley also came along which made it even more fun. We made it a whirlwind trip and did a lot of shopping to set her up at school while we were out there. Thank goodness for Ikea and their amazing prices.


While I was there I did a lot of thinking. I really needed that trip and time to go though the experience of seeing my baby spread her wings, so to speak. I also needed to see my dear friend Janet. She is the bomb. I'll have to tell you about her sometime.


But while I was there I really had to evaluate. Like I said, I work a lot. I know everyone is busy but I feel like I let my hours get completely out of control. Most of it is out of my control I guess when I work for a corporation that dictates the job of course. And since I like to keep the electricity going and food around the house, I keep working. I talk with other managers throughout our district and we laugh when something new comes up and ask if we missed the memo that told us to add 6 more hours to the work day. I know we all have dealt with that. But through it all I say, 'well at least I have a job.' And truly, the salary has helped immensely with all the hospital bills and now college tuition. But that's the problem. The level-headed part of me talks the other part of me off the cliff.


But while I was in Utah I was thinking about what I really want to do and how I am going to get there. This is something that I've been trying to figure out for 20 years now actually but other things took precedence. But Trae will be in school full-time next year so maybe it will be time to do that really new something. So I sat down this morning and tweaked my resume. Until I did that I hadn't realized that I have a decent work history so maybe something will come up? I'll just have to send it out and see.


I told Belén before I left her in Idaho to make sure she explored every opportunity in college and that it's ok to let her heart dictate a little bit about what she wants to do in life vs what she feel she should do... just my inner hippie talking.

It's a story that cannot be told in a few paragraphs, but years.

I always hesitate to write lengthy stories because for 1 - this isn't a book and 2- I don't always read lengthy blog posts. I can't be the only one, can I?  Unfortunately, this isn't a 1 or 2 paragraph post but I tried to sum in up as best I could.

So the story goes...

When my oldest boy, now 10, was around 2 years old, I noticed that he had longer than normal, or what I thought were normal, tantrums and would get easily irritated. I was told this was just a boy being a boy and that after having two nearly perfectly behaved girls, I was due a little chaos in my life. I accepted that and went on.

By the time he was four, he still hadn't outgrown tantrums. They were worse, actually. More intense, with raging, not the normal crying and screaming. I took him back to the Dr. and said that there was no way this was normal, citing specifics that made the Dr. cringe, and that one of us was going to have to be medicated. While I didn't want to put a child on unnecessary medication, I knew at this point that something was necessary.

After a full evaluation, I had the diagnosis: Pediatric bi-polar disorder. Strangely enough, I wasn't sad, just glad it had a name and knew we'd deal with it however we could.  Some may call it a stiff upper lip but to me that conjures up feelings of masking pain. There was nothing to mask or ignore. I looked at this as more of a firm resolve to meet this head on. I credit my mom for that. It's definitely a Hernandez trait. She always said there are just two choices in anything troubling us: you move on or your don't, you fix it or you don't, you get the idea. There's no use worrying or whining; just go and do, she would say.

So with that we went on with some sort of thankfulness. Thankfulness, that by nature, Jon and I are pretty even-keeled. Because, we have found out that the stress of this is heavy. I have found over the years since the diagnosis that one could get to the point of being abusive. I can completely see why people turn to alcohol and drugs to numb themselves; to escape from stress in whatever situation causes it. I have compassion for them. In our situation we just have to step away and let him be. It's hard to be rational in the moment so taking a step back is all we can do. I mean, the problem will still exist when we get back. But with more of a clear head, we are better able to deal with it. Patching a few holes in the wall is nothing. Patching a soul, well that is a whole new ball-game.

I can't fully describe the rages that we witness and a young boy who has no idea how to control them; the uncontrollable sobbing and lying in a heap in the middle of a room destroyed and big, beautiful eyes full of tears asking why he can't be at peace. I can't explain how a small disappointment, something almost not even worth mentioning, in a daily routine of ours can be an insurmountable problem to him. Talk about perception. While the rest of us so easily think, "This is no big deal," his mind sometimes seems to not be able to process such simplicity. I could never fully explain the depth to which my heart has sank when he has wished to die so he doesn't have to live this way. I can't describe the feelings and how it's changed us in ways or all the traits associated with Bi-polar disorder. They are vast. It would take too long and would be inadequate. But through it all, I have learned so much about it and still, there are many reasons for me to be optimistic.

When his mind is more at rest, it is easy to see his wonderful traits. He can be very loving and tender. He is kind to animals which I can't even tell you how much that means to me. He is smart and remembers a lot of information and has a great creative streak. He is witty and has a lot of friends. That is one thing the Dr. was concerned about. Bi-polars tend to attract the "wrong" crowd but so far he is well-liked by his peers and has some good friends. His Dr. was really happy about that.

He has learned to better control his outbursts, usually reserving the blow-ups for me and his dad. Here, with us, he feels safe and can quickly cycle through his frustration and that is ok with us. Sometimes it's an easy fix and sometimes it's not; leaving us emotionally wiped out. But, you go on and each time learning how to better prepare for the next episode. The last 5 months have been the most peaceful in 6 years and we are so grateful! We are told that as he grows his chemical imbalances may change so we are honestly praying for that. No one knows about that for sure since childhood mental illness has not been studied in depth in the medical community. His disorder is similar to juvenile diabetes in that it is usually more serious than adult onset. So with maturity, he should be able to better handle it. I am confident he will.

There have been days that I wished he could just have a "normal" problem that's easily explainable and that people wouldn't think he was just an unruly child. I have wished that people could see mental illness as something they could talk about and not shy away from and have a little more compassion for, just as they would any other illness. But that's where I come in! And I guess that's why I am putting it on here. I have been meaning to talk about it for a long time but could never find the right words and it has just become so commonplace for us to live with this, that it doesn't seem to be a big deal anymore. It's just our way of life now. I also didn't want people to think he's dangerous or use it against him in any way.

But then, something comes up and compels me. For example, last week the nurse at school called and was concerned that Reese hadn't eaten that day. He has gone from a great eater to a picky one. As I talked with her, the thought came to me that this was something of a control issue and a potential problem was on the horizon. But it was a remark she made about him not being on his medication very long that caught my attention a little more. By her notes she said he had only been diagnosed this past February. I corrected her and said that we have been dealing with this for 6 years. 6 years! And I still can't get people to see its seriousness. She was so surprised by that. I wanted to bang my head against the wall. These types of stories are commonplace for anyone dealing with any types of these disorders.

At his parent-teacher conference, which by the way, was great! I was so happy. It took all I had to not start crying. He did get an inconsistant for behavior, which I could have predicted, but he had improved in other conduct and the school work was so much better than last year. Last year was one of the toughest on record for him and me. I can't even begin to explain. Just trust that this conference made his day, week, maybe even year. Mine too.

His counselor was present at his conference and had all the paperwork ready for an IEP plan. All I did was sign and she sent it off. That way all teachers and faculty would know about his disorder and are bound by law to acknowledge it and work together instead of having a different set of rules in every classroom.

His teachers have all been great. I don't want to give the impression that they haven't. Since Kindergarten we have had the best of the best but they have to deal with so many other students and keeping track of each and their specific needs can be difficult. This plan puts it all out there and each teacher will see the same file instead of different notes and no one really understanding the situation. When I met his homeroom teacher at the beginning of the year, he told me the notes from last year's teacher said, "Prone to crying." That was it. Again, I had to explain the why of it all so I decided we had to get this plan in place. I feel like this could be a new beginning for him. I know his teachers want to see him succeed and that gives me great hope.

ANYWAY, as you can see, this is a long conversation. My apologies! I can't do it justice on a little blog. Just know that this exists and this is our story.

xoxo
Laura

I want to know - a parenting post

What do you think of people who go on and on about their kids?

The reason I ask is because I just received an e-mail about the Rotary Club essay contest and how this would be a great thing for the youth of my church to enter. The first thought in my head was, "Of course! It's a great community event, Belén placed in that a few years ago." And then the thought hit me that no one ever knew that. I guess I never said anything. And then I remembered that Charley won the Dare essay contest as well, and no one knew that either.

So the question is, when do I announce these things? (besides 3 years later here on a little blog) Or do I even need to? Am I doing them a disservice by not making a more public statement? But I know my daughters and they would absolutely say it was no big deal. So for whom am I making an announcement? Do I want people to think that my kids are really great or do I want people to think that I'm really great for having kids make these accomplishments?

Really, do those types of things matter? Am I just over thinking this all?

They are nice but we tell our kids that their actions speak louder anyway so their best accomplishment would always be that they are polite people who know how to speak with adults.

And so, those other accomplishments are just enjoyed over a molten, chocolate lava sundae, without any fanfare. I don't even think we could locate the awards anymore. I'm sure they are in a box somewhere.

BTW - I actually have some craft projects almost done! The schedule has not allowed me to get them done as quickly as I wanted but today the kids are home and I don't have to go out so much. I better get a move on!

Typical

For Mother's Day this year my husband and kids actually planned ahead and had a surprise gift waiting for me. Let's just say they may have a history of forgotten dates but I'm not keeping track or anything...

Besides the three m&m cookie mix jars my youngest kids made me at our neighborhood Mennonite Bible Study class and the adorable trinkets and cards they made at church, Jon purchased all of the make-up, brushes, facial cleansers, creams, lip balms and nail polish I have been wanting. He had it all packaged up with ribbons inside a pretty bag. After I happily used some of it, I put it back in their boxes and bags and placed it in my room where I could organize it later.

After Jon went to check in on a sleeping Trae-man, I heard him say, "Oh no" and I knew that my barely used make-up had suddenly become very used. Seeing my new foundation all over the new-er, freshly laundered comforter nearly made me cry. Well, at least he didn't have time to get into all the other things. I am still working on stain removal. And, I have been thinking of changing the comforter for Spring/Summer anyway.

Yep, back to reality.

How was your day?

Some things are better left unsaid

A few days ago, Jon was met with two kids on the couch fighting to be the Emperor of TV Remote Kingdom when he came home from work.

They were jumping on the couch while one was trying to grab it from the other as arms were raised to keep it away. Meanwhile all sorts of buttons on the remote were being pressed, not to mention Jon's after he repeatedly told them to stop.

Hearing the disruption and ready to put an end to it, he walked into the living room to take control. Just as he stood in front of the kids to snatch the remote, he saw the TV screen go to black after the "OK" button had been pressed to accept movie charges.

"Hey!!" he said, and held out his hand for the remote. Then he looked toward the TV and the screen went on pause and then from black right into a movie. There was no intro, no music, no "What's new on demand" features, just straight into the first scene.

In an instant Jon flung himself toward the TV, as if he were saving someone from a barrage of bullets from the war enemy, like in WWII movies. With a wide stance and his back to the kids, he wrapped himself around the TV and quickly shut it off. He turned around to the kids and said, "I have to go talk to your mother about this!!"

He bounded down the stairs and came to where I was working and pointed up to the ceiling saying, "The 5 year-old. The 5 year-old just ordered a movie. I want you to know that it wasn't me. When the bill comes and you see an ADULT FILM on there, it was not, I repeat, NOT me. Just wanted you to know." We both cracked up.

We were supposed to be on our way to get some Chinese take-out but I told Jon I needed to call Comcast first to have the movie removed. He said to do that on the way but I couldn't get through since his dumb phone is well, so dumb. Its touch screen won't allow you to press any numbers when prompted to do so by an automated voice. I don't know why those automated services can't accept both dial and voice commands.

"21st century, my foot!" I yelled at the phone.

So I had to wait until we returned. "Great!" I complained. "It'll be noted in the system that it was ordered a half an hour ago so they'll wonder why it took so long to cancel."

"Boom chicka woww wowww..." said Jon.

I finally was able to call and explained to customer service that my 5 and 9 year old, in their struggle for TV remote power, ordered a dirty movie. She laughed and asked if I remembered the name of the movie.

"Uh, no, (insert nervous laughter because of a total lie. I'm a firm believer that some things are just better left unsaid...) I don't, but it'll be the only adult film on our bill. Ever."

So last night, as we were discussing this series of events over sushi, Jon was recounting what had happened and I was laughing. I said, "Well, at least the kids didn't see anything."

"Not much" he said.

"What do you mean not much??!"

"Well it went right into the movie without any warning."

"You mean, (with my arms making music gestures) no da da daa daaa...Time Warner television presents, no lion roar or anything?"

"Nope."

I just stared blankly at Jon and said, "You mean??..."

"Yep."

"What did you say?" I asked.

"I just told them we weren't going to watch wrestling." and just then he dropped a large piece of sushi from his chopsticks right into the soy sauce dish causing a big splash on the table.

And we lost it after that.